Sunday, September 20, 2009

Business Model

PEDDLING THE Boom and Bust Cycle -- as holy cows have occupied the cattle classes -- K.M. Qui Than alias Koran Makan Kunhi Thevan reached the G-1 summit venue well before the time scheduled to wind up the session.
He was received by a waiting Swaravahini and camera crew.
"If the terrain is uneven, punctures can occur. There's no news in it," he byted exclusively for her in a defensive mode.
Within seconds breaking news followed: "Economy cannot survive without punctures."
On the floor of the house, he offered to read out a Statement of Intent.
"Since depression is universal and there exists a tendency to recess, stimulation holds the key," he declared.
"People are scared to spend. Money stacked in bank vaults are nothing but Non Performing Assets. Even without an end-user agreement," he paused for one-trillionth of a second to glance at Mayamohini -- the Pleasure Executive -- who showed signs of an early recovery, and continued: "Businesses can survive, if models are well in place."
"Dear Madam Speaker Sir, I quote Opportunities lost are opportunities gained unquote. And that calls for gambling.
"In these circumstances playing with funny money or preserving yellow cake does not make economic sense.
Selling Coke to a Yankee or coal to New Castle is much easier than selling sugarcanes in Maharashtra or tomatoes in Tamil Nadu.
"Profit derived at -- may it be notional since losses are never made, Madam Speaker Sir, they just happens -- by bundling out instruments with or without a hedge, and distributed among the masses within the purview of Managers' Club are nothing but under recoveries. For clarity in this regard Madam Speaker Sir I request you to read Chapter 11.
"To kick start an ailing economy one need not wear spiked boots. It is very easy. Splurge in an austere manner."
At this juncture, Kotha, Qui Than's biological mother with a permanent wardrobe malfunction, who was sitting in the balcony pretending to be listening to the verses, made a thought-provoking exclamation: "Oops! I forgot to pour cold water on yesterday's leftover rice. What will he have for dinner?"
Madam Speaker Sir ordered her to be evicted from the House and ruled: "Nothing will be there on the records." Qui Than was asked to proceed.
"If people don't spend, the government should. Borrow and spend should be the motto," he said.
Even Opposition members could not resist the temptation to thump the desk, as doors of opportunities are opening up.
Ignoring the expected cacophony, Qui Than wound up his speech: "Madam Speaker Sir, I quote When goats hedge, it's the fox that tastes blood unquote." Then he drank the coconut water he was carrying in his shoulder bag and sneezed.
And sitting under a coconut tree, one sunny afternoon, Koran half-smiled, for austerity measures are in force.
(To be continued)