Thursday, February 28, 2013

My Budget Of Woes

Madam Speaker Sir,

THE AIR-CONDITIONER is working; the acoustic is excellent; audience very obedient; and my glass is full.
I rise to present My Budget Of Woes for eternity.
I prefer to keep my speech simple, straight forward, and short.
I hope you are aware that I come under the Super Rich category with the luxury of  having two scoops of rice gruel a day.
I admit that I have  a 430 sq ft palatial dwelling on a poramboke land.
There is enough room for manoeuvring a bulldozer of fiscal exigencies and retrieve some more economic space.
Madam Speaker Sir, my economics is confined to the four corners of my worn out black purse -- you can term it micro or macro idiosyncrasy.
I call it day-to-day subsistence planning.
At a time when you were fighting your wits end to tame double-digit headline inflation I was battling with  mackerels -- these fellows are good at slipping out of one's hands in a split second -- to stuff down steamed tapioca, along with a shot of country-made liquor, obtained clandestinely by greasing rosy palms of excise department officials.
Madam Speaker Sir, I profusely apologise for doing so. But, you know there is a limit to options.  
I quote Iqbalji "kuchh bāt hai kih hastī miṭtī nahīñ hamārī, sadiyoñ rahā hai dushman daur-e zamāñ hamārā."  Unquote.
(Such is our existence that it cannot be erased even though, for centuries, the cycle of time has been our enemy).
Ah!! Even the great poet thought cycle was our enemy. Forget Merc.
Still, Madam Speaker Sir, I would say there is no reason for gloom or pessimism.
We have the potential to catch eight mackerels at one go, but so far we have gone for just five.
We have done it before and can do it again.
My mool mantra is Growth, All-round Growth, Universalisation of Growth.
Growth cannot be achieved without security. Hence I would like to increase the fund to defend fishing ponds by 10 per cent. Italian helicopters can be deployed wherever necessary, even at panchayat level.
Madam Speaker Sir, security of fisher women is as important as that of mackerels. Anyone, even if it is your deputy, need not feel ill at ease, in case caught pants down.
I propose to introduce  Nirbhaya Blood Money Fund for those who have a penchant more for the deft hands that cook mackerels than the mackerels themselves.
Even  a lay man knows women, wine, and gold  always fare better when kept at a distance.
Though gold gives you a return of 27 per cent annualised compared to the 8 per cent in other face-saving instruments, citizens should keep the temptation to go gold under leash. 
Supply demand mismatch cannot be solved by Peter Vidal.
There are three ways open -- FDI, FII, or External Borrowing. I opt for an conservative Plan Expenditure and an ambitious Non Plan Expenditure. 
The less you plan, Madam Speaker Sir, the more will be your controlled spending is the rationale behind the mool mantra. I propose to increase the  Non Plan Expenditure that include the flagship Corruption  Guarantee scheme by three-fold.
Life is not all about spending. Savings is vital to move forward. The tighter one wears his dhoti on her stomach, the harder will be for mackerels to flush out of the large intestine. I propose to incentivize those who cut down on daily meals. Citizens who announces a meal holiday will be rewarded with Rs. 2,500 as tax relief. 
Madam Speaker Sir, I hope I have not exceeded the time limit. Red Lines have to be drawn. My flight to Myanmar is at 2 p.m. From there I will take the Mauritius route. Every dusk is a pointer to an inevitable new dawn. Ask any IT official, she will tell you the importance of East. 
The SON rises in the East.
If there is a will there is a way, Madam Speaker Sir. 
I strongly feel money has to be ex-filtrated, Argo style.
And with these words I commend my verbal diarrhea to the House.
Photo: courtesy Google Images

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